Navigating Divorce and Co-Parenting with Purpose with Paul Mandelstein

On today's episode of the "Helping Families Be Happy" podcast, host Christopher Robbins, co-founder of Familius Publishing, husband, father of nine, author, fisherman, backpacker, and aspirational musician based in the Central Valley of California, is going to talk to Paul Mandelstein. He is a pioneer in personal communication technologies and has been involved in publishing books related to family planning, comparative religion, and community lifestyle. He has also published reference books on emerging telecommunications technologies and is known for publishing the first "Dummies" guide. Additionally, Paul has authored illustrated folk tales focused on equality, freedom, and personal empowerment. As a divorced father with four children and four grandchildren, Paul brings his expertise to discuss the challenging role of being a dad after a divorce.

 

Episode Highlights:

• 02:02: Christopher shares his personal experience of his parent's divorce when he was five years old and acknowledges that he may not have fully understood the challenges his father faced in maintaining a relationship with him due to the distance between them. 
• 02:23: Christopher mentions that Paul has written a book titled "The World's Best Dad During and After a Divorce: A Guide to Co-parenting for Divorced Dads," published by Families. Christopher asks Paul about the genesis of the book and why this topic is important to him.
• 03:33: Paul explains that when he visited bookstores and found a wall of information for women but nothing for men regarding divorce and fatherhood.
• 06:03: Paul talks about the early stages of separation and divorce, there is often anger, hurt, and negative emotions. He introduces 10 basic rules, starting with the importance of being nice, which may sound simple but can be challenging given the circumstances. 
• 06:30: Paul also introduces the concept of the "24-hour rule," where hot-button issues are addressed after taking a pause and considering the decision instead of immediately agreeing to avoid stress.
• 08:06, Paul introduces the concept of taking 24 hours before making hot-button decisions. He advises giving oneself time to think and reflect on the choices that will shape the future.
• 10:06, Paul discusses the practice of meditation, suggesting that sitting down for a few minutes and allowing thoughts to arise without attaching to them can be beneficial. He emphasizes the importance of establishing clear boundaries with the ex-spouse.
• 13:20, Paul mentions the importance of open-hearted listening, allowing the other person to express their complaints without feeling the need to defend oneself. This approach can foster better communication and potentially lead to resolution.
• 15:46, Paul emphasizes the importance of consistently being there for the children, even if the frequency of visits may be less frequent due to the divorce. By maintaining a consistent presence, children can feel a sense of stability and security. 
• 16:48: Paul highlights the significance of holidays and events in the context of divorce and remarriage. He explains that children may have multiple parents and extended family members to consider during these occasions, which can lead to complexities in scheduling and participation.
• 17:29, Paul advises not to overly stress about the smaller details and to focus on the bigger issues, such as legal custody and maintaining a positive relationship with the children and the ex-spouse.
• 18:52: Paul talks about the importance of integrity, keeping promises, and being a reliable presence in the children's lives.

 

3 Key Highlights

1. Paul shares that he came up with some rules regarding divorce and co-parenting. One of the main focuses is ending the conflict between spouses. He notes that while the book is primarily for men, it can also apply to women.
2. Being mindful and finding ways to agree, even if it's unfamiliar, can contribute to a cooperative atmosphere. Paul reminds fathers to prioritize being the best father they can be and to put their children's well-being first, even when dealing with personal hurt and anger.
3. Paul emphasizes the importance of recognizing and appreciating the significant amount of work and effort that goes into parenting, particularly when it comes to daily tasks like taking children to school, preparing meals, attending sports and activities, etc.

Tweetable Quotes

• "Whether you're with your kids every day or across the country due to divorce, your input still matters." - Paul Mangosteen 
• "I believe that the family is extended, even in divorce. It's about continuing the relationship and building a new extended family." - Paul Mandelstein
• "Collaboration with the ex-spouse is the key to successful co-parenting after divorce. It's the only way to build a positive and supportive environment for your children." - Paul Mandelstein
• "Fathers play a vital role in a child's life, no matter the circumstances. Their presence and influence matter, whether near or far." - Paul Mandelstein
• "Positive collaborative divorce or co-parenting requires embracing cooperation, open communication, and putting the well-being of the children first." - Paul Mandelstein

Resources Mentioned

• Helping Families Be Happy Podcast Apple
• https://alwaysdad.wordpress.com/
• Podcast Editing