The Unplanned Summer with Pam Lobley

In today’s episode of the “Helping Families Be Happy” podcast, host Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a practicing Clinical Psychologist, Wellness Advocate, and Author based in Sonoma County, California talks with guest Pam Lobley who is talking with us about her book – ‘Why Can't We Just Play’.

 

Episode Highlights

• 01:15 – Pam is a writer, she started her career in sketch comedy, so everything she does or writes, she approaches it from a comedic standpoint.
• 03:35 – When Pam’s son was in fifth grade he said that he never had time to just play. Play for him was like having a friend over, goofing around in the backyard, making their own games, and going to a playground without any parents’ rules.
• 05:45 - Pam feels so lucky that she took the chance and slowed down, for me as a parent, it was the risk because I was doing something I wasn't sure was right. 
• 07:20 - It's hard to be a parent and that was hard. Kids fought a lot like siblings and especially when they only had each other to play with, or it rained a lot.
• 09:15 – Dr. Carla asks if it is possible that this would only work for a stay-at-home mom?
• 11:05 - We're always comparing ourselves to other parents and we're always comparing our kids to other kids, which is so ridiculous, but it's very hard not to do.
• 13:00 – Dr. Carla enquires from Pam that for somebody who wants to be able to let their child play, other than the low expectations what are some key steps they can follow?
• 14:50 - There are times to step in when somebody's bullying, being super toxic, or anything like that. But other than that, that’s where we learn to negotiate.
• 17:20 – Pam says that the young kids instead of being on phone all the time, enjoy being loud and messy in the backyard or climbing all over the playground, or just pretending whatever they want with their friends. 
• 19:10 - We often forget as parents, that kids as much as they might push back against structure and routine. As far as family rules go we need them for the kid’s sanity and for the parent’s mental health.
• 20:50 - Some people say minors need to play or my kids should be in academics. They're on the fast track to an Ivy League school who cares about play?
• 22:30 – We can learn great life lessons from watching our children play, and then sleep as they have no sleep issues.
• 24:00 – Pam suggests to the parents that they need to consider their children as they are. Parents shouldn’t be comparing their kids with others.
• 26:15 - Research shows us that happiness peaks when you get to that point of success when you have enough to pay your bills, or enough to have health insurance. After that, it can start dipping because external success is not as important as the beauty of internal success and the joys of big things like play.
• 28:20 - Pam thinks giving your child as much time to play will position them to be healthier and maybe better learners when they hit high school age.
• 30:30 – Young people today don't want to try in case they fail because they feel too much pressure to succeed all the time.

 

Three Key Points

1. Pam says you can build in this type of autonomous, independent, and free play for your kids. For instance, let's say you do need to have a daycare or a camp for your child. Look for the one with the least amount of structure, the most amount of fun, and low expectations. The whole idea is that we're supposed to be improving our children all the time is so exhausting. So it's okay to just be Spider-Man all summer long. That's a perfectly acceptable thing for an eight-year-old.
2. One of the steps parents can follow is to kids have an afternoon or several hours every week that is their own. The other step would be that when your child is playing with other children, resist the urge to step in and make it right because then the kids don't learn how to do it themselves, just pretend not to notice.
3. A few experts see that play for children is the best education they can have. They've done so many tests about how free play, autonomous, and self-directed play increase their creativity, resilience, and ability to think things through self-awareness. It's different when kids are teenagers because that's different but for kids under 13, play is the best.

 

Tweetable Quotes

• “I got the idea for this book because I felt like there wasn't a way in our kids’ lives.” - Pam Lobley
• “That happened in the spring and I decided that we would have no summer activity.” - Pam Lobley
• “Over the summer before I realized I did the right thing.”
• “They did drive me crazy, I'm not going to lie.” - Pam Lobley
• “The book I tried to be is funny, so there are a lot of funny stories in the book.” - Pam Lobley
• “I have to say it is the first time in my life I have ever heard parents say set low expectations.” - Dr. Carla Marie Manly
• “Social media makes it so much easier to get immersed in that world of what I call toxic comparison, yet that is the antithesis of healthy parenting.” - Dr. Carla Marie Manly
• “What about the kid who says I want to be on my phone all day?” - Dr. Carla Marie Manly
• “If you want a hockey-achieving kid, it's probably the best thing that you could do for them at that age.” - Pam Lobley
• “I think it's really important to see to see your child for who they really are.” - Pam Lobley
• “The big learning lesson is to let the children play, let them learn and grow. Figure out their path as they're growing.” - Dr. Carla Marie Manly
• “Failure is a fairly recent interpretation of the word and that it used to mean to simply arrive at a different destination.” - Dr. Carla Marie Manly
• “The book ‘Why Can't We Just Play’ is available wherever books are sold, it's in Audio Book and on the eBook format.” - Pam Lobley

 

Resources Mentioned

• Helping Families be Happy Podcast  Apple
• Dr. Carla Marie Manly  Website LinkedIn Twitter   Instagram
• Pam Lobley: Website LinkedIn Instagram Facebook
• Podcast Editing